A Cover Charge and Payback

Thursday night is Lady’s Night at Studio Lucky. There is always live music, the kitchen stays open late, and best of all, ladies pay half price for drinks all night. By 8:00 the place has more drunken cougars on the prowl than a Canadian wildlife preserve. Dave Tree and Eddie John never miss it. They love it. Dave views the night as an endless parade of attractive, experienced, yet slightly desperate women that are eager to please. Eddie enjoys seeing how long he can passively insult a horny cougar before she grows angry and moves on to another young man at the bar. Today was Thursday but as night approached, it appeared as though they would miss their first Lady’s Night in several months.
“I can’t believe we got banned from Studio Lucky,” Dave lamented as he channel surfed aimlessly. “I never should have gone along with your stupid plan.”
“It was a good idea, we should have just tried it at another bar,” Eddie replied.
Several nights before, the two were running low on cash. Eddie had convinced Dave to go along with a rather clever plan of raising drinking money. They stood outside the bar and posed as employees. To make them seem legitimate, Dave checked for legal identification. Eddie then charged a $5 entrance fee. They had managed to raise nearly $150 before Martin Laney, the head bartender, realized what was going on. He already hated Dave and Eddie and used the incident to ban them from Studio Lucky for life.
“I heard Last Call Jimmy’s started having a Lady’s Night,” Eddie remarked.
“Last Call Jimmy’s? You mean, The Bucket of Blood and Vomit?” Dave asked with disdain.
“They haven’t had a shooting in over a year and they replaced the carpet.”
“Last time I was there some guy tried to share a bathroom stall with me.”
“Whatever. I’m going. You can stay here and beat your meat all night or you can come with me.”
Dave knew it was time to give in.
“Fine, I‘m in. I hope a transsexual takes you home tonight ,” he muttered.
About twenty minutes later, they pulled up to the bar. A filthy and disheveled looking middle-aged man lay passed out in the parking lot with his head propped against a parking block. A brown paper bag masked a bottle of liquor in one hand and a half eaten Big Mac sat on the pavement next to him. A mustard-covered chunk of burger hanging from his mouth indicated he had passed out in mid-chew
Dave raised his eyebrows and shot Eddie his best, “I told you so,” look.
“What? I told you, they improved this place Dave! Look, they have valet now,” Eddie laughed and pointed at the snoring bum.
Dave shook his head and followed Eddie into the bar. He couldn’t help but laugh at the spectacle. Bright orange shag carpet covered the wall behind the bar and several people sat in round vinyl-cushion booths. Through dim light several people could be seen staggering around on the dance floor to disco music. One them was even female.
“We should have worn polyester leisure suits,” Eddie joked.
As they took a seat at the bar, Dave counted how many women were in the bar. He came up with 14.
“I thought this was supposed to be Lady’s Night,” he said as the bartender approached.
“It is! This is almost double the women we have on a normal night,” he replied. “I heard Studio lucky is charging a cover now, so that should help our business.”
Dave slowly turned his head toward Eddie and shot him a fierce glance.
“Ok, ok, you are right,” Eddie laughed. “This is no Studio Lucky but I don’t know any place that can’t be fun with the right amount of alcohol.”
The waiting bartender overheard him and chuckled.
“Everything is fun with the right amount of alcohol. What’ll you have?”
“We’ll take six shots of Jack. Two each for us, and two for you,” Eddie pointed at the bartender. “Then we’ll follow that up with Irish Car Bombs and Sierra Nevadas. We‘re going to make this place fun! ”
The bartender happily went to work. He appreciated the gesture and was grateful for the excuse to toss a few drinks back. Most of the bar’s customers didn’t even bother to leave him a tip, let alone buy him a drink. He lined six shot glasses up on the bar and filled them until they were overflowing.
“If we’re taking shots together, I want to know who to be mad at in the morning when my head is pounding. What’s your name?” Dave asked the bartender
“Matt. And you?”
“Dave.”
“Eddie.”
“Well thanks for the drinks, fuckers. Cheers!” Matt said merrily and the three quickly downed their shots.
As the night progressed, Dave, Eddie and Matt continued drinking heavily.
Matt was delighted at finally having patrons whose energy wasn’t fueled by methamphetamines, and Dave and Eddie were excited to find a bartender that would drink with them. It wasn’t long before all three were slurring their speech, and Matt was spilling liquor all over the bar with every pour.
“Matt, the only reason we came here tonight was because we got banned from Studio Lucky,” Dave confessed as he threw back another shot of Jack. “But I’m glad we did, I’m actually having a good time.”
Matt laughed. “Why did you get banned?”
“You tell him Eddie, it was your idea.”
Eddie took another shot and told the story of how Martin had banned them for charging a cover outside the bar. Beer spewed from Matt’s mouth several times throughout the story as he tried to hold back his laughter.
“So that was you guys huh? I’ll drink to that,” Matt said as he gleefully lined up three more shots.
“It’s a good story, but we’re still banned from there,” Dave reminded them.
“I hear you, Martin Laney is a prick. I know, I used to work at Studio Lucky a long time ago. He got me fired for drinking on the job,” Matt explained “But he was the worst. He leaves drunk every single night!”
“Every night, huh? How drunk?” asked Eddie.
“Not so drunk that he drives crazy, but at least 4 or 5 beers deep,” Matt answered. A light bulb slowly flickered and buzzed to life above Eddie’s head.
“Dave, do you remember when you got your DUI?” Eddie asked thoughtfully.
“Yeah, I wasn’t swerving or anything, I got pulled over because my license plate lamp was burned out,” Dave replied in disgust.
Eddie nodded his head, smiling, and the same light bulb exploded brilliantly above the heads of Dave and Matt
“You want to?” asked Eddie.
Dave pondered the thought as he took a drink.
“Yeah, I do,” Dave grinned evilly as he answered.
Matt excitedly slammed his palms on the bar.
“Fuck yes! He drives a red Ford Explorer. It has a Linkin Park sticker on the rear side window,” Matt informed them. “I’ll call you guys a cab. Hell, I’ll pay for it!”
Matt made the call and they all shared another shot while they waited. When the cab arrived, Dave and Eddie, barely able to stand, slithered off their bar stools and staggered out.
“He parks in the alley behind the bar!” Matt called to them as they left.
On the way to Studio Lucky the cab driver could tell they were both extremely drunk and made several attempts to drive them home.
“I don’t think they are going to let you guys in,” the concerned driver said.
“Wha tha fuck have you heard about us?” Eddie drunkenly demanded.
“What? Nothing. I just meant you two are to drunk to keep drinking.”
“Well I’m not as drunk as I say you am!” retorted Dave and crossed his arms, pleased with himself for coming up with such a timely and clever comeback.
The driver knew it was a lost cause and dropped them off in front of Studio Lucky. Dave and Eddie gazed through the windows. It was packed.
“Look at all those cougars,” Dave hiccupped, nearly in tears.
“I know buddy, but we’re going to get even,” Eddie consoled him. “Look, he’s drinking right now.”
Dave looked over at Martin. He was furiously pouring drinks and taking money, pausing occasionally to take a sip from a tall glass behind the bar. He seemed to be enjoying himself.
“Fuck you, Martin. Fuck you,” Dave muttered.
They crept into the dark alley where Matt said Martin’s car would be parked, looking around to make sure nobody had seen them. There it was, a red Explorer complete with Linkin Park sticker and all. They circled the vehicle and searched for the license plate lamp. Try as they might, they were just to drunk and couldn’t find it.
“Fuck it,” Dave said and kicked a taillight in.
Eddie laughed and yelled, “This is for Matt!” and kicked in the other taillight. They laughed and ran off.
A few days later Dave and Eddie sat relaxing and eating popsicles at Eddie’s house after a round of golf. They had forgotten all about Martin and his Explorer.
Just then, John’s sister, Karen, walked through the door.
“Hey, did you two ass-clowns hear what happened to that bartender from Studio Lucky?”
Dave and Eddie sat straight up in their seats as the events of the night flashed back into their minds.
“Here, it’s in the paper,” Karen said and tossed a newspaper to Eddie.
Martin, just like every night, had had a few to many at work and had attempted to drive home. The dim light in the alley had prevented him from noticing his broken taillights. When he saw red and blue lights flashing behind him, he didn’t know they were planning on writing him a simple fix-it ticket. He panicked and tried to get away. He only made it a few corners before losing control and slamming into a parked car. He leapt from the vehicle and attempted to flee on foot but was quickly tackled by an officer. When the police searched his vehicle, they realized why he had fled. Inside the Explorer the police found 14 grams of cocaine and an unregistered handgun. Martin would be receiving more than just a DUI. He was going to jail.
Dave and Eddie sat staring at each other in stunned silence.
“Eddie, do you have plans for this Thursday night?”
“No, why?”
“Because we’re not banned from Studio Lucky anymore! We are going to Lady‘s Night!”